feeling old

i've been reading various blogs and the talk of U2 and their upcoming tour abounds. i was thinking of the two U2 shows i happened to be at and i feel OLD. the first was joshua tree in indianapolis. my friends and i drove all night from johnson city tn, hung out in downtown indy, got kicked out of the mall for loitering, and finally ended up at the concert. the same concert at which my lovely husband was at as well.....before we'd even met. my friends and i left after the show to drive all the way back to tn....we had class the next day and all of us actually went! did i mention there were 5 of us in a chevette? luckily, the next time i saw them we only had to drive a couple hours. that was in kansas city. and i was with my husband. only he wasn't my husband yet....we had backstage passes to that show because my friend and employer knew someone who knew someone. we never really saw THEM because these particular backstage passes were just the backstage passes for the backstage not REALLY the backstage. but we ate some food and drank some beverages for free. we drove all the way back to wichita and this time there were 6 of us in a cheverolet silverado pickup truck....it had a very small back seat. 3 of us had class the next day, 1 had to work and 2 were musicians who had no day jobs so therefore got to sleep.....thinking of these times makes me smile. makes me want to tell my kids that mommy was crazy once, that i didn't always seem so tired, worn out, fearful, unspontaneous. that i still really feel surreal. like i can't possibly be married with 4 kids and 1 on the way. that it can't possibly be important to me that my carpet is clean, or my bed is made or i get a shower everyday......i want them to see who i really am. the girl who would go out at 11 at night, drive across kansas just to see the sun set, sit in the sun all day. i'm not really almost 40. just in years. just in wrinkles. just in saggy body parts. inside that girl still exsists. she just lies dormant sometimes...

life is good

i just went away the weekend with no kids (except for the one inside), i bought anne lamott's new book, and my brain child magazine came in the mail today!!

opinions

mostly today that is what i am full of. i can hear my husband's deep breathing through his nose as i rant and rave over things i can't change. like people who keep having children only to hurt them. like church meetings who look down their noses when one brings children in and directs them in the way of the nursery. like doctors who want to force birth before it's time. like big corporations who want to steal my kid's innocence. is it any wonder i homeschool and have homebirths and don't go to many church meetings?

urban churching

the past two weeks we've been eating with friends on sunday night before a church meeting. this feels right. this church building is in an urban place. this past week two local fellows showed up. i guess they are in and out fairly frequently and have been for several years. it was great. one of them threw food at the pastor and the other one got up in the middle, cussed at the pastor and left. THAT doesn't happen in suburbia....the best part? the pastor just smiled, said thanks for comin' and kept on talking.